Okey, first of all I'd like to point out: I did not watch the first movie, I'm not a huge fan of adventurer-explorer movies (Indiana Jones etc.) and U.S. patriortism strikes me as a mix of a big ironic laugh and something that is take taken seriously far beyond... well far beyond any kind of patriortism. Okey, that's done, let's talk shittyness:
The movie starts out in medais res. as all fucking entertainment seems to be doing, and has been doing since fairytales ran out of fashion. Unfortunately, this movie doesn't really understand the concepts of it. In medias res. is the simple idea that you are put in a situation where you do not know what's going on, and you are then slowly introduced to different elements of the storyline, and what follows is the actual story. This movie starts just after the civil war where Wilkinson Booth kills George Washington, it then turns out to be a seminar which Ben Gates (Nicholas Cage) is performing infront of a large crowd. Instead of having the storyline develop (and I don't mean have a 4 hour long introdcution, I just need a bit of time to have my arse settle into my seat before the action starts) a man interrupts the seminar closing words and brings out a 140 years old piece of paper which is just outrageous to these seminar people who start fighting about it and what not. I wasn't invested, I'm pretty sure nobody else gave a shit as the first 10 minutes of a movie is entitled to popcorn munching... AND NOTHING ELSE!!
After this epilogue of drama and nail biting excitement of absolute bugger-all happening, we are introduced to the only character I came to like just the slightest, Riley. The reason for this is, that this is the comic relief guy. However, instead of just coming with stupid remarks every once in a while (even though that seemed to be his main hobby) he was actually displaying some sort of intelligence by pointing out how everyone in the movie took themselves too seriously by all means.
To justify this last paragraph I suppose I revealed my complete lack of empathy for patriots, but sorry guys, I just don't see the point of dying to honor your 'name'... And in all seriousness, I really don't believe that there could be any possiibility what so ever!!!! that more than one family has the last name of either 'Gates' nor 'Wilkinson', and if there is, I will close my eyes and start screaming to block out any sense it makes... Because that is how your suppose to watch this movie, so only an 2 hours after finishing it, it seems almost as natural as breathing by now. I know I've already carried on long enough for one review by now, so I'll sum up the things that seemed just slightly stranged to me on a list:
- The President is willing to go into a dark tunnel with someone he met onnly a few seconds ago
- Somehow Queen Victoria, George Washington, Wilkison Booth, Thomas Gates, some french architechture fag and the whole of the Aztec community are linked together in a magically crappy journey.....
- The Aztec people had rope material that even after decaying for a couple of centuries still held strong.
- For Gates and Riley breaking into Buckingham Palace (which is one of the most heavily garded places in London) seems to be without effort and the thought of difficulty with it seems to be totally absent, but when mentioning breaking into the white house, their brains seems to melt over in agony of such an impossible task (actually, watching how badly both breaks in are are totally worth the 8 pounds I paid for it....)
- A car chase takes place in central London (we are talking Big Ben, Buckingham etc.) there are shooting, crashing, even beer trucks (which btw I have never seen ever in the 3 years I've lived in London) plowing through the small side streets, and nobody seems to notice (especially not the police)
Okey, I'll stop now, cus the list continues, and there is one final note I want to add. This movie is obviously made for Americans. It's all there, patriotism, american history, racism against british people, car chases, gold, shittyness, and what I like to call: "the btw, if you didn't get that, here's some redneck idiot to sum it up for ya', yah dumb fuck" character. As a closing example, here's a short scenario from the movie in which the crew are in an Aztec undground city filled with water. They turn a little nob in the center of the room and the doors where the water is flowing from start to close, when fully closed one of the characters says "The water-levels are lowering"... Now unless this was a movie for the visual impaired, what the hell was the point of that line? Seriously, I want to know, are americans really that stupid? Actually to be fair, the movie answers that question only seconds later with two of the dumbest lines ever expressed by any "Treasure Hunter" first we have:
Mom: Look, now we will finally be able to decode all the pre-colombian history that we have been unable to for so long *points to stone table*
Gates (yeah this is it... get ready): Yeah, that's where they pulled the hearts out and stuff, huh?
And number one goes to: Stupid blonde ex-wife of Gates. As the doors holding the water back start cracking and the water is flodding out (not spraying in small bits, LOADS of water is flodding out), this dialog is in all seriousness.... whatever enough suspense:
IDIOT #1 (Wilkinson): The water is coming back!
Stupid Blonde: Listen!
Why the fuck would I want to listen to water coming tumbeling in my face with immense pressure?? "Listen" can only be justified if you see a dear or a bird, or your in a horror movie and something starts cracking, but NOT when your in an underground facility that is about to overflow with water and drown you....
Hope this was of use!
DoPi
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Sunday, December 23, 2007
I watched Beowulf!!!!!
Yes, and I payed way too much for it.
To describe Beowulf so that everyone can relate, Beowulf is the kinda movie that pisses you off just so much that if you were watching it for free you would leave, but in the cinema you would sit through and at least try to enjoy what you just realise to be wasted money.
So let's get kudos out the way. It is a great design, and the fact that everything is cg is hardly noticable after the first 10 minutes and a few glitches, and the story is perfectly portraid to introduce you into this danish nordic mythological fantasy world, and there is therefore never raised any questions on that point.
So, now that's out the way. Apart from the story making u ignore the sense of fantasy theme totally, it accomplishes absolutely nothing. Had it been a montage of battle scenes, the movie might have been better in fact, as everyone I talked with seemed to agree that the movie was all about the fighting scenes.... Well, here's a question, why would I PAY to go watch something that would be better distrubuted by some moron on YouTube, whose montage I get to watch for free when I come home?
Another thing that actually pissed me OFF.... Angelina Jolene was supposed to show her nude body (again) in this movie, but that was just a lie.... It was of course CG animated to made her "perfect". Again, why would I want to pay to see someones animated fantasy of Angelina Jolene. I have plenty of fantasies of my own, they will do just fine!!! Besides, there wasn't even 1 nipple.... not one!! No sex scene, no snogging, no groping, nothing! Just Angelina's face bouncing around on a crazy CG body, that had a tail... a fucking tail!!!
And last but not least. The movie was somewhat indecisive when it came to what it wanted to accomplish. Sometimes it wanted to be touching, sometimes epic, sometimes actionfilled and bloody, and sometimes it just wanted to shock the shit out of you! That pissed me off... cuz it wasn't an unexpected clever shock, it was some asshole who decided that all of a sudden some ugly piece of shit would jump out on screen screaming it's lungs out. The worst thing about it being, that you knew when it was coming.... 5... 4.... 3... 2... ARGH!!! shit....
I give it 8/10 for action, 6/10 for story, 0/10 for no nipples, and -5 for indecisiveness.
DoPi
To describe Beowulf so that everyone can relate, Beowulf is the kinda movie that pisses you off just so much that if you were watching it for free you would leave, but in the cinema you would sit through and at least try to enjoy what you just realise to be wasted money.
So let's get kudos out the way. It is a great design, and the fact that everything is cg is hardly noticable after the first 10 minutes and a few glitches, and the story is perfectly portraid to introduce you into this danish nordic mythological fantasy world, and there is therefore never raised any questions on that point.
So, now that's out the way. Apart from the story making u ignore the sense of fantasy theme totally, it accomplishes absolutely nothing. Had it been a montage of battle scenes, the movie might have been better in fact, as everyone I talked with seemed to agree that the movie was all about the fighting scenes.... Well, here's a question, why would I PAY to go watch something that would be better distrubuted by some moron on YouTube, whose montage I get to watch for free when I come home?
Another thing that actually pissed me OFF.... Angelina Jolene was supposed to show her nude body (again) in this movie, but that was just a lie.... It was of course CG animated to made her "perfect". Again, why would I want to pay to see someones animated fantasy of Angelina Jolene. I have plenty of fantasies of my own, they will do just fine!!! Besides, there wasn't even 1 nipple.... not one!! No sex scene, no snogging, no groping, nothing! Just Angelina's face bouncing around on a crazy CG body, that had a tail... a fucking tail!!!
And last but not least. The movie was somewhat indecisive when it came to what it wanted to accomplish. Sometimes it wanted to be touching, sometimes epic, sometimes actionfilled and bloody, and sometimes it just wanted to shock the shit out of you! That pissed me off... cuz it wasn't an unexpected clever shock, it was some asshole who decided that all of a sudden some ugly piece of shit would jump out on screen screaming it's lungs out. The worst thing about it being, that you knew when it was coming.... 5... 4.... 3... 2... ARGH!!! shit....
I give it 8/10 for action, 6/10 for story, 0/10 for no nipples, and -5 for indecisiveness.
DoPi
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Rush Hour 3 - Unplanned trilogies should never happen
Okey, if there are any film producers who are reading this. Then please please please take notice of what I'm about to state....
Never EVER EVER make movie sequels based on success. Why? Because they always suck! ALWAYS!! Some of you might be thinking "well, I saw lord of the rings trilogy and I thought that was gay-tastic!" and well, your probably right. Your probably also a bunch of morons who:
1. Actually paid to see Lord of the Rings and bought the DVD set
2. Didn't read the fucking title
And because of that, you deserver a punch in the scrotum. Anyway, back to the actual rant. I was sitting at home watching Die Hard (yes the first one), and I kept thinking what a great movie that was. I went to my room to relax and started watching Rush Hour 3..... first mistake of the day. This movie.... It's just bad.... I mean, yes, I wanted to laugh a couple of times, but the rest of the time diarrhea would have seemed comfortable.
The story is of chinese kung-fu man and that black guy who needs a brain transplant.... Yes I know their names are Lee and Carter, but it doesn't make a difference, the movie is so racist that I find it hard to believe, I actually switched it off half way through because of the racism..... not because it was offensive to black people of chinese people, it was just offensive to stereo-typical humour. If you don't belive me, then your welcome to go watch the fucking thing, but seriously, after you watch it you will be sitting like me writing your first blog ever, because your so pissed off at this shitty movie. And if that isn't enough of a warning, and you've already booked tickets and ordered the DVD, here's a little sneak peek into the humour.
The first sign of this movie just being bad.... yes I'm going to use that word extensively in this blog..... was a scene where the writers, publishers, editors and actors must have been braindead to allow. Chinky and Blacky (and if u think that is offensively meant, then watch the movie and you'll have all the empathy in the world for me) go to a karate dojo and they talk to the great master who's name is "Yu", so Carter thinks he is saying "you"..... and his apprentice name is "Mi" and Carter thinks he is saying me "me"..... It's all very hilarious, and it really makes you want to see Carter get punched in the face, but again the movie let's you down beyond all expectation. I didn't see Carter get his face punched, but perhaps that was because I was crying because of the awful dialogue.
But the scene that made think "bugger this nonsense", was when Carter and Lee have a fight and leave each other. If you think that sounded gay, well just imagine a chinese man and a black man fighting and then the black man leaves their hotel room, while in the background "sorry is the hardest word - by Elton John" is playing in the background. Then you see Carter watch a clip from a movie with a little retarded chinese boy and he smiles.... While that is happening you see Lee order some fried chicken... that's right, FRIED CHICKEN!!!! FUCK THIS MOVIE, FUCK IT!!!!
The problem isn't that the franchise is bad, nor that the actors are bad, the thing is, sometimes you just need NEW IDEAS. All these sequels and shit are making me sick. John Rambo, Rocky Balboa, Die Hard 4.0 (btw, why the fuck do they have the .0?? are they gonna make a 4.1? and if not, why not just call it Die Hard 4.... fucking marketing assholes), also Indiana Jones is coming out again.... just make something new instead you stupid bastards, otherwise your franchise will turn into bullshit n' chips, and that's not nice.
And on a last note, people who are thinking "why don't you just go do something else!?!" fuck you guys too, I'll make a fucking sequel of your guys comment and it will suck assss.... I'll call it "why don't YOU just go do something else: than read my blog 2.0
DoPi
Never EVER EVER make movie sequels based on success. Why? Because they always suck! ALWAYS!! Some of you might be thinking "well, I saw lord of the rings trilogy and I thought that was gay-tastic!" and well, your probably right. Your probably also a bunch of morons who:
1. Actually paid to see Lord of the Rings and bought the DVD set
2. Didn't read the fucking title
And because of that, you deserver a punch in the scrotum. Anyway, back to the actual rant. I was sitting at home watching Die Hard (yes the first one), and I kept thinking what a great movie that was. I went to my room to relax and started watching Rush Hour 3..... first mistake of the day. This movie.... It's just bad.... I mean, yes, I wanted to laugh a couple of times, but the rest of the time diarrhea would have seemed comfortable.
The story is of chinese kung-fu man and that black guy who needs a brain transplant.... Yes I know their names are Lee and Carter, but it doesn't make a difference, the movie is so racist that I find it hard to believe, I actually switched it off half way through because of the racism..... not because it was offensive to black people of chinese people, it was just offensive to stereo-typical humour. If you don't belive me, then your welcome to go watch the fucking thing, but seriously, after you watch it you will be sitting like me writing your first blog ever, because your so pissed off at this shitty movie. And if that isn't enough of a warning, and you've already booked tickets and ordered the DVD, here's a little sneak peek into the humour.
The first sign of this movie just being bad.... yes I'm going to use that word extensively in this blog..... was a scene where the writers, publishers, editors and actors must have been braindead to allow. Chinky and Blacky (and if u think that is offensively meant, then watch the movie and you'll have all the empathy in the world for me) go to a karate dojo and they talk to the great master who's name is "Yu", so Carter thinks he is saying "you"..... and his apprentice name is "Mi" and Carter thinks he is saying me "me"..... It's all very hilarious, and it really makes you want to see Carter get punched in the face, but again the movie let's you down beyond all expectation. I didn't see Carter get his face punched, but perhaps that was because I was crying because of the awful dialogue.
But the scene that made think "bugger this nonsense", was when Carter and Lee have a fight and leave each other. If you think that sounded gay, well just imagine a chinese man and a black man fighting and then the black man leaves their hotel room, while in the background "sorry is the hardest word - by Elton John" is playing in the background. Then you see Carter watch a clip from a movie with a little retarded chinese boy and he smiles.... While that is happening you see Lee order some fried chicken... that's right, FRIED CHICKEN!!!! FUCK THIS MOVIE, FUCK IT!!!!
The problem isn't that the franchise is bad, nor that the actors are bad, the thing is, sometimes you just need NEW IDEAS. All these sequels and shit are making me sick. John Rambo, Rocky Balboa, Die Hard 4.0 (btw, why the fuck do they have the .0?? are they gonna make a 4.1? and if not, why not just call it Die Hard 4.... fucking marketing assholes), also Indiana Jones is coming out again.... just make something new instead you stupid bastards, otherwise your franchise will turn into bullshit n' chips, and that's not nice.
And on a last note, people who are thinking "why don't you just go do something else!?!" fuck you guys too, I'll make a fucking sequel of your guys comment and it will suck assss.... I'll call it "why don't YOU just go do something else: than read my blog 2.0
DoPi
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