Okey, first of all I'd like to point out: I did not watch the first movie, I'm not a huge fan of adventurer-explorer movies (Indiana Jones etc.) and U.S. patriortism strikes me as a mix of a big ironic laugh and something that is take taken seriously far beyond... well far beyond any kind of patriortism. Okey, that's done, let's talk shittyness:
The movie starts out in medais res. as all fucking entertainment seems to be doing, and has been doing since fairytales ran out of fashion. Unfortunately, this movie doesn't really understand the concepts of it. In medias res. is the simple idea that you are put in a situation where you do not know what's going on, and you are then slowly introduced to different elements of the storyline, and what follows is the actual story. This movie starts just after the civil war where Wilkinson Booth kills George Washington, it then turns out to be a seminar which Ben Gates (Nicholas Cage) is performing infront of a large crowd. Instead of having the storyline develop (and I don't mean have a 4 hour long introdcution, I just need a bit of time to have my arse settle into my seat before the action starts) a man interrupts the seminar closing words and brings out a 140 years old piece of paper which is just outrageous to these seminar people who start fighting about it and what not. I wasn't invested, I'm pretty sure nobody else gave a shit as the first 10 minutes of a movie is entitled to popcorn munching... AND NOTHING ELSE!!
After this epilogue of drama and nail biting excitement of absolute bugger-all happening, we are introduced to the only character I came to like just the slightest, Riley. The reason for this is, that this is the comic relief guy. However, instead of just coming with stupid remarks every once in a while (even though that seemed to be his main hobby) he was actually displaying some sort of intelligence by pointing out how everyone in the movie took themselves too seriously by all means.
To justify this last paragraph I suppose I revealed my complete lack of empathy for patriots, but sorry guys, I just don't see the point of dying to honor your 'name'... And in all seriousness, I really don't believe that there could be any possiibility what so ever!!!! that more than one family has the last name of either 'Gates' nor 'Wilkinson', and if there is, I will close my eyes and start screaming to block out any sense it makes... Because that is how your suppose to watch this movie, so only an 2 hours after finishing it, it seems almost as natural as breathing by now. I know I've already carried on long enough for one review by now, so I'll sum up the things that seemed just slightly stranged to me on a list:
- The President is willing to go into a dark tunnel with someone he met onnly a few seconds ago
- Somehow Queen Victoria, George Washington, Wilkison Booth, Thomas Gates, some french architechture fag and the whole of the Aztec community are linked together in a magically crappy journey.....
- The Aztec people had rope material that even after decaying for a couple of centuries still held strong.
- For Gates and Riley breaking into Buckingham Palace (which is one of the most heavily garded places in London) seems to be without effort and the thought of difficulty with it seems to be totally absent, but when mentioning breaking into the white house, their brains seems to melt over in agony of such an impossible task (actually, watching how badly both breaks in are are totally worth the 8 pounds I paid for it....)
- A car chase takes place in central London (we are talking Big Ben, Buckingham etc.) there are shooting, crashing, even beer trucks (which btw I have never seen ever in the 3 years I've lived in London) plowing through the small side streets, and nobody seems to notice (especially not the police)
Okey, I'll stop now, cus the list continues, and there is one final note I want to add. This movie is obviously made for Americans. It's all there, patriotism, american history, racism against british people, car chases, gold, shittyness, and what I like to call: "the btw, if you didn't get that, here's some redneck idiot to sum it up for ya', yah dumb fuck" character. As a closing example, here's a short scenario from the movie in which the crew are in an Aztec undground city filled with water. They turn a little nob in the center of the room and the doors where the water is flowing from start to close, when fully closed one of the characters says "The water-levels are lowering"... Now unless this was a movie for the visual impaired, what the hell was the point of that line? Seriously, I want to know, are americans really that stupid? Actually to be fair, the movie answers that question only seconds later with two of the dumbest lines ever expressed by any "Treasure Hunter" first we have:
Mom: Look, now we will finally be able to decode all the pre-colombian history that we have been unable to for so long *points to stone table*
Gates (yeah this is it... get ready): Yeah, that's where they pulled the hearts out and stuff, huh?
And number one goes to: Stupid blonde ex-wife of Gates. As the doors holding the water back start cracking and the water is flodding out (not spraying in small bits, LOADS of water is flodding out), this dialog is in all seriousness.... whatever enough suspense:
IDIOT #1 (Wilkinson): The water is coming back!
Stupid Blonde: Listen!
Why the fuck would I want to listen to water coming tumbeling in my face with immense pressure?? "Listen" can only be justified if you see a dear or a bird, or your in a horror movie and something starts cracking, but NOT when your in an underground facility that is about to overflow with water and drown you....
Hope this was of use!
DoPi
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